Executive Pagan

If Eddie Izzard can be an executive transvestite, I can be an executive pagan.

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This could be intensely brilliant…

Posted by Erik on April 15, 2009

I just learned about this… Seth Grahame-Smith’s Pride and Prejudice and Zombies! Another addition to my growing collection of zombie-themed humor. According to the publisher,

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she’s soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you’d actually want to read.

Apparently I managed to miss the NPR pieces on it; here’s the excerpt that they give, to whet your appetite (for BRAINS!).

As Mr. Darcy walked off, Elizabeth felt her blood turn cold. She had never in her life been so insulted. The warrior code demanded she avenge her honour. Elizabeth reached down to her ankle, taking care not to draw attention. There, her hand met the dagger concealed beneath her dress. She meant to follow this proud Mr. Darcy outside and open his throat.

But no sooner had she grabbed the handle of her weapon than a chorus of screams filled the assembly hall, immediately joined by the shattering of window panes. Unmentionables poured in, their movements clumsy yet swift; their burial clothing in a range of untidiness. Some wore gowns so tattered as to render them scandalous; other wore suits so filthy that one would assume they were assembled from little more than dirt and dried blood. Their flesh was in varying degrees of putrefaction; the freshly stricken were slightly green and pliant, whereas the longer dead were grey and brittle – their eyes and tongues long since turned to dust, and their lips pulled back into everlasting skeletal smiles.

A few of the guests, who had the misfortune of being too near the windows, were seized and feasted on at once. When Elizabeth stood, she saw Mrs. Long struggle to free herself as two female dreadfuls bit into her head, cracking her skull like a walnut, and sending a shower of dark blood spouting as high as the chandeliers.

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7 Responses to “This could be intensely brilliant…”

  1. Nettle said

    I just put myself on the waiting list for this at the library. I’m number 26 in line. I’ve never been that far down a library hold list in my life. Of course, my choices are usually not particularly popular, but still…

  2. Nettle said

    Now I am thinking of other classic literary works that could be improved with zombies…

    “Wuthering Heights and Zombies” – fun, but probably too easy (though I could make a fortune if I rewrote it with Heathcliff as a teenage vampire and set it in the Pacific Northwest…)

    hmm… ooh, “The Importance of Being Earnest and Zombies” would be fantastic. Maybe some Edith Wharton. “The House of Mirth and Zombies”

    Or, moving away from the novel – how about Foucault’s classic, “History of Sexuality and Zombies”? or Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason and Zombies.”

    I could keep this up all day…

  3. executivepagan said

    I’m #13 in line at my library…

    I’m pretty sure I don’t want to read “The History of Sexuality and Zombies”. :p (Listening to Voltaire’s song “Zombie Prostitute” already got me closer to that than I really wanted to be.)

    “Heidi and Zombies”… now THAT I could get into! Or, “The Sound of Music and Zombies” – The hiiilllls are aliiiive… with the sound of BRAAAAAIIIINSSSS!

    I’d also love to read a version of Northanger Abbey where it turns out Catherine was right all along.

  4. Kisses said

    Sound of Music and Zombies would be BRILLIANT!

    Now I’m in the mood to watch Shawn of the Dead and Fido again.

  5. executivepagan said

    Ooh, I didn’t know about Fido – but I can guess. I still need to see Black Sheep as well…

  6. Feral Boy said

    “A Christmas Carol And Zombies” —

    “I killed them ALL … and it’s still CHRISTMAS !!!”

    “God bless us every one — except YOU, you bony b*stard!”

    BLAM!!!

  7. executivepagan said

    You, my friend, are not right. I like it! :)

    I take it this is the version of Tiny Tim that later winds up in The Hebrew Hammer

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