Today is the observance of Boukoklepteia, the “cattle-rustling festival” in honor of Hermes, in the Neos Alexandria calendar.
“It is a day of inversion to honour Hermes. Throughout the day participants will tell wild stories, exaggerate, lie, pretend, pull pranks on each other, and generally exist in a state of prolonged silliness. The day culminates in a feast to honour Hermes’ stealing of Apollon’s cattle … The myth of his cattle-rustling is either read (Homeric Hymn IV) or dramatically reenacted. Afterwards the participants engage in a boasting-game (kauchêsis). Each person starts off by reciting some accomplishment that they are proud of, and everyone else drinks to their skill. With each round the boasts grow wilder and bolder, leaving behind all probability until the participants are out-and-out lying. The winner is the person who can make the most improbable statement while keeping a straight face and not breaking into a fit of laughter.“
In honor of this day, let me share one of my favorite bits of Internet goofery (I was going to write my own set of boasts, but I was a little busy what with having to go pick up my Pulitzer prize for blogging and all…)
The Ultimate College Application Essay
[This is purportedly an essay written by Hugh Gallagher when applying to New York University.]
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello…I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire, I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail…Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration…My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.